First you would have to prove that there *IS* an other side *AND* that it has a negative effect on one's sanity (not sure how you plan on justifying that tbh). Until then, it is by default the ramblings of a madman.

I spent close to a year of college in depression-type things and panic attacks over life and death, for what it's worth. I still have to work hard to not fixate too much on it.

I think my solution to avoiding panic attacks was to slip into complete apathy and just not think about it. Probably wasn't the best solution though, b/c now I've got to deal with the apathy...

Yeesh, that's not too good either. On a related note, I am very interested in the question of from where consciousness and self-awareness stem, not that I'm convinced we'll ever quite figure it out.

you most definitely are not the only person to have experienced this sort of thing. as of today, half of my friends are on anti-psychotics and the other half all abuse medications of some sort(a small, hairy acquaintance of mine drove to school a couple of days ago and then promptly passed out due to an overdose of vicodin). one of these people has a pretty severe dissociative disorder (with similar retrograde amnesia bouts as those you describe) and is on enough pills to kill several horses (which is then washed down with whiskey =/). another has carried out lengthy conversations with me when i was not actually present and suffers severe panic attacks. a third is the eating-disorder type, purging all the time, with no self esteem, lots of booze, and a blood fetish (slicing up during sex things). i myself have bpd, severe insomnia, violent mood swings, collapse randomly while walking (low blood sugar / being tall / bad heart), and get brief hallucinations every now and then (usually things like bridges collapsing beneath me or other things moving when they are not actually doing so).

now, imagine getting all these people together with a group of adamant catholics in a very small room with black lights and glow in the dark walls under the pretense of discussing descartes for multiple hours at a time and you will get a glimpse of what it is like to attend my current school.

personally, in order to deal with things i do my best to avoid people entirely, taking long walks in the middle of the night, and, when i am forced into their company, act in a manner that catches them off guard so they won't react in one of their predefined reflex responses.

We actually had this Washington University sub at our school, and he's really into artificial intelligence and stuff. Every time he teaches, he manages to find a way to bring up this program (the post-graduate kind, not computer kind) called P&P, or Philosophy and Psychology, where you can apparently get 2 Ph.D's for the price of one doctoral thesis. Anyways, according to him, experts predict that AI will be created in 20 years, so we just might be able to figure out self-awareness within our lifetime.

AIs are going to become more and more complex over the span of the next twenty years or so, in my personal opinion; it won't be a sudden singularity.

I've often had juvenile fantasies about building an intelligent, sapient female robot, and then teaching her... stuff...

In good news, I finally convinced someone to help me arrange a CT scan. She said I should be able to work out some sort of payment / co-pay with the hospital, based on my level of income. I'll try not to get my hopes up, but she assures me that this is a viable option. In some ways, I feel like a large burden has been lifted from my shoulders.

If this scan is completely inconclusive, I'm ready to rule-out all physical diagnoses. I'll just have to approach all these symptoms as some sort of manifestation of anxiety or other mental health issues, and try to seek other treatment options. Even if that is the case, I already feel like I've exhausted mental health resources, aside from resorting to anti-psychotics. I just think it's ridiculous to go to such extremes when I'm not hallucinating or foaming at the mouth. There's no incentive for me to take a medication that will lead to so many permanent side-effects after long-term usage. Anti-psychotics shouldn't even be on the market, aside from dealing with the most desperate, treatment-resistance circumstances. I can't imagine why the FDA would approve them as treatment options for GAD, or other anxiety disorders.

I'm very happy to here that you're arranging a CT scan, Zera! I will be extremely interested to see what it reveals, and I hope that it will give you a clear path towards what treatment options you need to pursue.

What do you hope to find that you could afford to fix? If there's anything there, it's going to require a surgery that'll cost more than a large house.

I think one step at a time, no? He can't know that without knowing if there's anything physically wrong, and it could certainly be enlightening to know if there is.

Not necessarily - it could just require some medication, or even a diet change.

Oh right, I forgot about all those pills and fancy diets they have now that can treat brain tumors and aneurisms. Oh that's right they don't exist yet. Silly me!

No one said anything about him having a brain tumor or an aneurism.

That's generally what you're looking for in a brain scan...

No.

1) CT scans aren't limited to the brain

2) They find a hell of a lot more than just tumors or aneurisms. Any unusual mass would show up - which is most definitely not limited to tumors

3) The CT scan could come back clean, which could indicate anything from it's all in his head to a chemical imbalance

One of the reasons why the doctor was opposed to the idea of a CT scan to begin with was because I didn't have any symptoms consistent with something serious enough to merit it. (this is according to a handful of different doctors I've seen) Even though I believe some my symptoms are extreme, everyone else I talk to plays them down as simply being related to anxiety. I, personally, cannot allow myself to believe this. Unless there is something wrong with my brain chemistry and it's beyond the scope of CBT therapy and my ability to exercise sheer willpower, then I just don't understand why I'm feeling such extreme symptoms completely out of the blue. Now that people are telling me more about their experiences with hallucinations and other symptoms I've yet to feel, I'm starting to consider that a mental health diagnosis could be possible. The more I think about people experiencing things that aren't there, the more I consider that there's something in our brains capable of exercising that level of autonomous control over our bodies, and our perception.

I'm sure it would be easier if I had a physical diagnosis. At least I would know how to treat it. I hate feeling a complete loss of control over my circumstances. Treatments for mental health issues are too hit-or-miss, and we lack too much understanding of how the brain even works. Anti-depressants are only believed to work based on unsubstantiated correlations involving brain chemistry. These drugs can only demonstrate a mere 5% or so higher success rate than placebos. The side-effects and paradoxical reactions are so bad that some people commit suicide while on these drugs. I've been through the whole trial-and-error of testing anti-depressants, and I've yet to find anything suitable for me. In the meantime that I've done this experimentation, my weight has fluctuated to the point where I've gained (and lost) 70 lbs. I've also developed psychosomatic delusions while on anti-depressants, despite never experiencing them before. Once you decide to quit something that isn't working for you, the withdrawal is complete hell. The drug companies are not kidding when they slap a label on the box that claims the drug may cause suicidal ideation. I remember being in a haze for weeks straight. I experienced depersonalization 24 hours a day, and was so worried about feeling this way for the rest of my life that the idea of suicide had crossed my mind several times.

I don't think there is any hope if the situation is related to mental health. I need for this to be a physiological issue. At least that would put my mind at ease, because the prognosis is more clear. That kind of information would at least return some quality of life to me. I can worry about the costs if and when I'm diagnosed.

Have you made any progress towards making this a reality, Zera?

I know this is probably in bad taste, but http://xkcd.com/876/